03082015

Senin (koma) Tiga Agustus Dua Ribu Lima Belas (titik)

As usual, akhir-akhir ini aku hanya menulis ketika bertemu dengan momen tertentu, yang sebenarnya butuh diutarakan bukan secara verbal, tetapi lewat kata. Tersusun terlebih dahulu. Karena salah penggunaan satu saja kata, akan membuat keseluruhan makna berubah total. Te-o-te-a-el.

Happy one year anniversary, us! [Insert Comfortable-John Mayer here] I am blessed to know you. You will never understand how happy I am for knowing you. Wait, perhaps happy is not a correct one to describe my feeling. I never feel so comfortable to anybody before, and you push me to be comfortable with you. Aku ngga berharap kamu mengerti how hard it is for me untuk bisa bercerita banyak at first; not only about problems, but almost everything. You teach me that I have to share my thought to other person except myself. To make myself keep alive. Biar aku ngga gila sendirian. Dan proses sampai aku bisa menginterpretasikan isi otak aku sama kamu itu sebenernya... cukup berat. Seriously hard. Because I never did that before. But I did it, thanks to you. Because you push me to.

I lost a lot while being with you, one of them is friend. But thanks to this relationship, I understand what friend means ehe. They say there is a rule in friendship; priority, appreciate each other, understand, trust, and so many more. But people do mistake, include me. I were blind for you, and I were choose you as my priority rather than my friend. Some of them are leaving since I don’t choose them, and the others are staying. At this rate, it feels like reality try to divide my friends in some level. The funniest part, I ever became a judge for my friend at this kind of case a few times ago. Time passed by, now I know how it is feel to be in her shoes LOL.

Sebenernya sih, my mind like to play some tricks on me. Seringkali aku mikir, lebih banyak rasa sayang aku ke kamu atau rasa sayang kamu ke aku? And everytime I have this kind of thought, I will pull myself into reality, feelin scared to be the one who loving you too much, dan berakhir dengan berusaha cool ketika ngebales chat kamu atau berusaha untuk ngga kesel ketika kamu hanya balas chat dengan “ok” stuff. And at the next time, aku akan ‘bales dendam’ dengan hanya membalas chat with “ok” only without embel-embel, berharap kamu ngerasain apa yang aku rasain. Dan berakhir dengan aku capek sendiri, sedih sendiri, patah hati sendiri. Aku beneran mikir sampai sejauh itu, loh. You can laugh as much as you want, whatever. I just want to write the truth.
Terkadang (here I just write it as ‘terkadang’, yang memiliki makna setara dengan sedikit dibawah ‘always’) I am also thinking about you and your past. Iya bener, kamu emang anak gaul. Banget. I am curious about how did you spend your time with your ex, what makes you want to be with them, etc. And I am scared that I can’t give you an exact goosebumps like when you are in love with your ex before. Geez, writing this makes me feel sad. Aku ngerasa ngga pede, damn. And I hate this feeling. Jujur, hal ini sering bikin aku nyesel udah suka sama kamu. Because you are a kind of unreachable person. Bahkan sampai saat ini, I am still thinking that way. Deep in thought, I feel like you are far enough.

I still can’t say that you are the best one for me because I don’t know how to categorize the best or else. But you have to know that, kamu sudah berhasil membuat aku merasa membutuhkan kamu banget. Even your presence is enough. Even your warm hands will be enough. Need you much, until I don’t have any courage to imagine what will I become if I am without you *ahasek*.

Ps: don’t write back. I know this is feel so alay, but I just want to tell you my thought. And thank you, for everything :)